Living as Daughter...

Awhile ago I began to read about Marriage and the Domestic Church. I was hoping to find the keys to being the best wife and mother one day. I did and continue to find helpful perspective on those things, but what I did not expect was that in a way I had missed the whole point, the beginning piece I was running from. Being a virtuous Christian mother did not start with finding the right man and having kids, it all started with being a daughter. There where so many comparisons to Mary the Mother of God. I found myself continuously asking the question, Mary how did you do it. How did you say yes and mean it. The answer that I found is that Mary knew without a doubt that she was a Daughter to her parents, but more importantly she was a Daughter that was loved by God the Father. She knew then at the Annunciation and she knows now that she is taken care of and protected and SO LOVED... This began the last two months of healing. A lot of of hard questions and some periods of silence. The journey has been beautiful and so in this first entry I shall share attempt to put the journey in words..

Being a daughter.. The more I read about Mother Mary, the more I realized that I was running from this very thing. I could not wrap my mind around being an earthly daughter more or less allowing God the Father to love me as his beloved daughter.. I was running and had been since I could remember.. It is funny to me how easily the evil one is able to disguise distractions to what is really going on. I found myself reflecting a lot on the story of the Prodigal Son. Not many people know this, but I had a very easy life style growing up. I had amazing experiences, was able to go to a private high school and college. In my heart I have struggled alot with being in relationship with my parents. I had for so long believed a lie that I would never be good enough. When I was 15 I began to go to church again and I allowed this to become a rift in my parents and I relationship. It was and has been a beautiful journey and now I am able to pray and share faith with my parents... Even when I thought they didn't my parents loved me. We do not always understand everyone we are called to be in relationship with and we hurt people, but love is stronger... it is the greatest after all. I believed the lies that my dad wasn't around because he didn't love me, I wasn't skinny and pretty like my sisters so they didn't love me.... LIES... Cunning, YES HE IS... Back to the Prodigal Son imagery.. So I ran away... I ran first to IN and then to AZ... I had protected myself so I thought. I could choose to answer the phone or not... I could choose to be in their life or not. For a long time I have chosen to not be, and it is now for those times that I regret the most.... The moment when this all came together happened only about a week ago. I was feeling really down about not having a job and believing these LIES... So for a month I did not talk to my parents, after they had been walking with me and encouraging me... The Father had begun to work on my heart and was leading to this final light bulb.. I finally did receive a job and talked to my mom about it. She asked me if I had gotten mail from her. I told her I had not. She would not tell me what it was... I waited a couple of days after we talked to go and get the letter. When I opened the letter and as I read it, the image in my heart was of the Prodigal Son coming home and being received at a banquet. I sat in my car and tears just flowed. My mom loved me.. Even after I had not talked to her.. Her love was greater.. The topic in the letter was the very thing that I did not think she loved about me.. The Father is good. I was loved as a daughter so much... I allowed the Lord to show me the lies that had blocked this relationship... I was a daughter... I could allow my parents to love me in that way..

I have always struggled with God as Father... I do not anymore... I realized that I had projected a lot of earthly ideas onto God. I realized that I had allowed a lot of lies to control my image of my earthly father and then those images I projected onto God. A bit of a side note, but I have truly learned humility through this journey. We do not always get it right, but my parents did the best they could. As much as I could have had time back, I know because they have told me, that they to wish they knew then what they know now... I was afraid... I love to journal. I believe that this is how the Father speaks to me best and most consistently. In my journal the Father calls me his precious daughter.. He has told me time and time again who I am as his daughter. His relationship with each of His daughters is different. There are always two bible verses that remind me of this intimate relationship. The first is Jeremiah 29:11.. God has a plan for me and it is one that is full of hope. The second is a verse from Psalm 139 that reminds me He knew me before I was born and He has ever hair on my head counted. He loves me as daughter... My fiat back to Him... my yes back to Him... just as Mary's fiat.. is now to LIVE AS A DAUGHTER... This was the foundation which Mary stood on and never looked back. For the past 7 days of my life it has been my battle cry. The Father has great plans for me. There are a lot of things I am waiting on and as I continue to post they will become evident. I know one thing that is everything.. I am a daughter to my parents and to my family, but most importantly in the very way that I have been created... I am loved as a daughter and the greatest thanks I can give my earthly parents and my heavenly father is to LIVE AS DAUGHTER!!

I believe strongly in confirmations and I got one last night. At a bible study I was at last night we read St. Paul's letter to Titus. For some time we focused on why Paul would emphasis that he knows he is a Son of God. One of the participants shared that in acknowledging that he was a Son he was able to then be a father because through this relationship he knew what his mission was and how to live it out. Paul trusted as Mary trusted that being a son and a daughter meant everything. Paul and Mary I believed both served from that very foundation. While I know nothing of what it means to be a son I am learning what it means to be a daughter. I have learned that as daughters we are beautiful gifts to our world. There is such a great need for women to be as we were created to be. I believe that this journey begins not with our gifts, but with being a BELOVED DAUGHTER in our families, in our intimate times with the Father, and with everyone that God puts in our path for how ever long they are in our lives.