The Beauty In Suffering...

When you read many of the beautiful saints of the church, Many of them ask God to suffer. I do not know about you, but for a long time I found this confusing. Why would the saints ask for suffering? Doesn't God want us to be happy? I began to pray about and chew on my confusion about this desire in JOY that the saints had. When I kept running into in prayer was that the crucifixion was how God choose to show us what love is. To love someone is to suffer for them, to offer all that you are for the person, and to live it with joy. I believe that as sinners suffering is how we discover that we are loved and the beautiful way that in our excess from God we love others.

In chewing on this idea of suffering, I discovered a great call to do something radical to try and understand what little I could about what my intellect was learning. I wanted these ideas to be more than just head knowledge. I wanted to be able to live it, I wanted them instilled in my heart. I prayed about what I could possibly do and when the Lord told me what to do, I did not know if I could do what He was asking, but I gave Him my yes. The Yes was a 20 day bread and water fast - minus Sundays. (before I continue on I want to put a disclaimer, I believe that when it comes to fasting you should do what the Lord invites you to. I would not have been able to do this if it was of my own will. God has many facets and each one of us reflects one of those facets, the same goes for our relationship, just because I was invited to do this does not mean that you are too.) The last day of my fast is Monday.

As I began the fast my desire was a radical new encounter with God. I desired to know Him deeper and to be challenged to not be complacent in my faith. I wanted to know His love so that I could be me, the beautiful daughter that He has created and loves so much. What I could have never imagined is discovering the beauty of community and relationships in suffering. These desires began to become reality pretty quickly on in the fast. Growing deeper in love with God always requires moments of looking in the mirror. I noticed that in some relationships in my life I was angry and frustrated that they did not love me, but what I had failed to notice is that I had not given them the opportunity too. I had been hiding the beautiful daughter and all they truly wanted was to love her. This was the first lesson of suffering that I learned. We must offer ourselves to be in relationship and to love. We all have a beautiful mission that only we can individually fulfill, we must offer that, but for me this was difficult. I didn't want to get hurt, but God showed me that His love is truly unconditional and that He has my back. The greatest gift is knowing that we are sinners and we are going to mess up, but we are also beautiful sons and daughters of God, that are loved more than we know.

The other beauty in suffering that I learned is about community. We are communal people, we were created to be in relationship. I did not realize this, but everything I do affects the people in my life. We are constantly beings that are in relationship. I can affect things for the good and for the bad. There are many experiences of this, some I could put into words and some that are still difficult to. The beauty of suffering is that you learn how to authentically love, because excess of grace from God is the love that you are offering. There were days during the fast when temptation was almost unbearable, but I would offer it to God for whoever was on my heart at the time. This did not always happen, but every couple of days or so I would have a conversation with someone and just think, Lord you are doing beautiful things. There is truly nothing more humbling to me than when a friend tells you that she can see the grace coming from the sacrifice. We must embrace each other in our lives. We must pray for each other. If I am walking or in mass and a person comes on my heart I just say a quick prayer for them, I thank God for them and I ask that He grace them with what ever they need. A reminder to me that we are not alone and this is how God wants it to be. The greatest gifts in life are people. When we suffer in Joy for those in our lives, we learn that we are loved and we learn how to love them in right order.

The final aspect of looking at community was the idea of being a gift. He showed me through this journey that we must be detached from people so they can be gifts from God in our lives. He has given them to us for our good and to help us grow closer to Him. Maybe its a person on a street that you have a brief encounter with or a lasting friendship. People are not ours to covet, but to be in freedom with. I always think of a marriage and how it is described as two freely willed people. We must be free to truly love. Another neat aspect of looking at relationships as gifts is that they are for community again. When I am in relationship with someone, I am a gift to them and they are a gift to me, but then through that shared relationship we become gifts to others. Everything is communal, everything is for the other.

So why did the saints ask to suffer, I can not speak for them, but in my own life I found that it was to be who I was created to be. To grow in relationship with God, to discover who I am as His daughter, and then to live her and share her with all the gifts that He puts in my life. We can not discover these things without being stripped of our vices and relying on God.

Let us attune our hearts to sacrifice, even in the little ways day to day, that we might love God more deeply and all the many gifts He gives. Look for the miracles each day and for the times in little or big ways that you can offer something for the good of others. I promise you, that you will find a JOY and LOVE that are more beautiful than you could ever has imagined.